We've all been screwed at Turkish restaurants. Here is a guide to help you steer clear of the crooks and enjoy the gems.
Evil has a face, and it is the slimy waiter at Roas fish restaurant on Büyükada. I grew up a Southern Baptist in the American South and so I should be well versed in the art of distinguishing one of Satan's drones from ordinary men. But I was worn out and hungry, and when this little mustachioed waiter trotted out with menus in hand, I had no idea that he was an advanced herald of the Anti-Christ. My companion and I ordered two plates of Iskender kebab and two beers--according to the menu, a meal worth a total of 24TL. The demonic minion attempted to offer us salad, but we refused. Twice. The third time, he insisted it was "ikram", and so we let him set it down before us. When he brought the bill, the price scrawled in his fiery hand at the bottom was 85 TL. Now, being foreigners, it is reasonable, if despicable, to think we might not notice two or three lira added here or there, but a 61TL increase? Do we look that stupid? Nevertheless, the little bloodsucker tried to justify himself. We had eaten salad, you see. And there was a service charge. After thirty minutes of arguing and an attempted exorcism on my part, we agreed to pay the five extra lira that the salad cost according to the menu, but I swore by all that was holy that I would ensure that no living soul would ever step into that restaurant again. So this is a warning. Go to Roas at your own risk. They eat people like you alive, and then laugh about it in the back of the restaurant as they toast each other with kitten's blood and toss koala bears into hell. And to the mustachioed little waiter-demon, I want to say this, which I did not know how to say in Turkish that day, you sir, are a dickwad, and I will hate you forever. (hıyar might be a decent translation, or perhaps amcık, though that’s a different piece of anatomy)
But Good News, Believers. There's Sini Manti!
Sini Mantı is run by a saint, a portly woman from Bingöl Province with long black hair and lots of turquoise jewelry. A sini is a large flat tray that people in the East typically have their meals on. One hangs on the wall as a totem. The proprietress makes all her mantı by hand. It takes a little longer than other places, but is so worth the wait. And she is the kindest, gentlest, fairest restaurateur in all of Istanbul. If you frequent the place enough, all sorts of little freebies will appear on your table, and she might even show you her biography which was published in an issue of a Kadıköy magazine last year--harrowing stuff about her childhood marriage and subsequent flight to Istanbul. Anyway, I recommend the sarmısaklı (garlic) yogurt as a sauce--a spicy garlic blend that goes beautifully with the pasta. And the portions are enormous. I am a voracious eater, a former and probably future fat man, and yet I cannot finish a plate of her mantı. My recommendation, go with a friend and order one plate of çiğ börek and one plate of mantı. It's filling and its divine, so divine in fact, I'm sure that when she dies, if indeed she is even mortal, she will be the angel leading the charge against the dickwad at Rojas in the great Armageddon to come. Sini Mantı. Arayicibasi Sokak. No: 10/1 Kadıköy Tel: 216-347-7111
Please send us any experiences you have of being royally screwed. We’d like to reward those who are good to us, and screw those who screw us in one big orgy of screwing.
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